Giant tentacled creature from outer space appointed Obama's new Eating White People Czar

The White house introduced it's new Eating White People Czar to the public today. Blargnox 9 has been appointed to follow through on Obama's campaign promise to make more white people suffer excruciating deaths at the hands of an alien beast. Although conservative media outlets claimed this was another one of Obama's moves to put a stranglehold on the country by force, most polls indicated this was supported by the majority of American voters who don't care about their political process enough to read.

Now that Blargnox 9 has been appointed, he will immediately start a cross country public relations tour to explain the social benefits of eating white people. At the same time, he will also eat white people. Although the thought of an alien consuming humans is usually reserved for movies, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said "this is reality and we will benefit from cooperation with our alien brothers". Gibbs went on to list how this will benefit the job market, entertainment and health care.

When questioned about how he planned to function in his new post, Blargnox 9 ate Helen Thomas.

Healthcare, Nazis and doe eyed militant weirdoes.

I know I am a week or so behind on this, but I had some out of state engagements to attend to and I DID perform at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre. Other than that, I have been slacking.

Now that the census is being used to identify potential death panel judges from within the ranks of ACORN, I felt it time to dispel some ludicrous rumors flying around.

I can say definitively, after having read the proposed health care reforms, that there will be death panels. They will consist of minorities as the judges and only white people will be subject to their rulings. Contrary to the current rumors of "old folks being exploded in front of a crowd while floating", their executions will be far simpler than that. They will be lured to a "death center" or "Denny's" under the false premise of senior discount breakfasts. Once inside, they will be digested for hundreds of years in the belly of the beast from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. This is both environmentally friendly and extremely painful. The goal is to torture them at the same speed that they drive on the highway.

Also, all doctors will be shipped out of the country and replaced by Señor Wences imitators. As hand puppets, they will simultaneously be able to hold medical instruments AND stereotype Mexicans. Regardless of the level of medical care being administered, you will always be left laughing, even while wincing. You'll be Launcing.

Also, Hitler will be cloned, but mixed with the DNA of Corey Feldman, so he can easily be controlled by drugs. As a side effect, he will also be able to dance like the King of Pop. This Hitler will be more enjoyable, less prone to genocide and more modern in his fashion choices. Of course, he will still run the government from an underground bunker in the Florida Everglades. This Hitler will also be a liberal communist, unlike the actual Hitler who was pretty much the opposite.

Of course, if you are white, you might as well move. There is some SCARY STUFF in store for you. All music will now be rap. It will also ONLY be Biz Markie and/or that song about getting high and forgetting to go to work. Also, all white women will be required to date men of a different melanin level. This will also be true of all White men from Texas. All channels will now consist of only Russel Simmon's Def Comedy Jam and only episodes featuring Mo'Nique

Lastly, country music concerts will be performed in Spanish. Toby Keith will also be forced to fellate a black rhino in front of Lyndon LaRouche supporters.

Enjoy it while it lasts, whitey!