Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Church comes up with new cure for homosexuality.

Church comes up with new cure for homosexuality.

The First Baptist Church of Christ, the dear Lord has come up with a new cure for homosexuality. It’s called the Tempt-B-Gone 9000. The church spent millions of dollars researching and developing the cure and had a picture on display.

The spokesperson for the Church, Bruce Thwain, described the device. “The device is approximately 8 feet tall and surrounded by a wall on three sides. The front has a door that can be shut to deprive the temptation of light. It is approximately 3 feet deep and is provided in the color white.”

The Tempt-B-Gone 9000

“The device can also be used to store clothes and other items as well”

Thursday, April 8, 2010

On getting fat and dealing with pyschopaths

As I sit in my apartment, surrounded by Pepsi bottles and watching the new Death Race on Cinemax, I am reminded about how much life now sucks.

You see, this is not of my own doing or choice, it is a byproduct of an increasingly insular society. We communicate through half-words and symbols, losing our voices in the process. LOL. So, we become less human and more parrot every day. Our pursuits can be listed:

1. Wealth
2. Instant gratification
3. Friending people on Facebook
4. The subsequent reading of even the most mundane thoughts
5. Eating
6. Shitting
7. Wealth
8. Winning at EVERYTHING. Even when winning isn't possible
9. Idolizing petty fame and mild importance
10. Teaching our kids the same shitty way of life.

So, as I sit and write this, searching through the channel guide to remove the stain of watching a Jason Statham vehicle (Snatch, excluded and no pun intended), I wonder if we will ever snap out of it and become human again?

Hopefully, the answer is in one of Kim Kardashian's Tweets.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Virtual Burkas and the American love affair.

In case you missed it, this week The National Republican Congressional Committee(NRCC) suggested that General Stanley McChrystal should put Nancy Pelosi "in her place". There obviously was outrage at the statement's insensitivity and use of phrases that have a negative connotation against women's rights. That's all well and good, but it's window dressing and utter bullshit.

Women in this country are not openly oppressed in the verbal sense as often as they were in the past, but they are still oppressed in many ways that are off the radar as far as the general populace is concerned, but far more nefarious than name calling. Let's call them out, shall we?

1. Salary differences. As recently as 2007 salary differences between men and women GREW. Now, you won't hear this often in the media as it's more sexy to report about a redneck who got his dick caught in a Chinese finger prison, went to the hospital to get it removed and accidentally performed successful open heart surgery on conjoined midgets. You would think that the gap would close in an "enlightened" society like ours, but that's not the case. Does this mean women are less productive? Nope. Women are as or more productive than men in most cases. So why is it?

In my opinion, it's simple. Woman are worth less in the work place due to adherence to social dogma. Whether or not you choose to believe it, men have been writing about their dominion over women for a very long time. They have been treating women as if they were possessions or worse, objects. In the workplace, women are perceived as weak, less productive and poor employees, even before they step in the door.

2. Violence. Did you know that more than 600 women every day are raped? That estimate may be pretty low, as many cases are not reported. Did you know that over a thousand women are killed every year by a partner? Did you know that more that 4 million women suffer physical abuse? I don't have anything witty to say here as the stats speak for themselves. Fear is a strong motivator.

How can we solve this? I have no idea. I had the pleasure of growing up in families where the matriarch was the strong one. Even so, one of my grandmothers was abused. She ran the family and made sure everyone had the best she could provide, yet still she was subject to violence. Even though I saw this on occasion, I saw that she was the driving force in the family. I had nothing but respect for her. I may have been a dick to her on occasion, but I am a dick to everyone, on occasion. I loved her fiercely and now that she's gone, the hole she's left is massive. I would never lay a hand on a woman. I despise people that do. That being said, I don't know what kind of a change it would take to stop this.

and finally, image. I used to do a bit where I talked about going to 7-11 and looking at the magazine rack. On the men's magazines, there would be a picture of a woman in a bikini, with a vaguely suggestive title next to her. On the women's magazines, there were pictures of impossibly fit women as well. The articles were all self help articles about looks. My idea was to create a women's magazine that dispensed with the fake idea that it was there to help and call it "Shame on you, you fat bitch". It would have articles like "Why you will never look like the women in this magazine" and "If you lose enough weight, you will look like a female impersonator".

Now, people thought that joke was sexist, but they missed the point. These magazines promote images to women that they will NEVER be able to achieve. Not because of any lack of want, but due to a simple thing called genetics. We are not all built to be perfect. We are built the way we are, but the fashion industry and media continue to shame women into feeling that they are deficient somehow. Folks, we have pre-teens with bulimia. Anorexic children. We allow this constant bashing of women under the guise of fashion. The recent photoshopping of the Filippa Hamilton for instance. Her cover for Ralph Lauren was retouched because she was too fat. She is...................................

5'10", 120 lbs and wears a size 4. WHAT A HEIFER???

People are listening to deranged idiots who are consumed by appearances. They are interested in propping up an ideal that doesn't exist. Impressionable KIDS are being taught that they are abnormal. The facts are, the models are the freaks, not the kids. We need to start burning this crap and teaching future generations to eschew listening to idiots and be comfortable in their own skin.

Now, I am not saying anything earth shattering here, but it does need to be said. We bitch about how women are treated as objects in other countries. Well, that's a bad thing, but we prefer our women to be submissive, tolerate their inequality and enjoy wearing their virtual burkas.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Giant tentacled creature from outer space appointed Obama's new Eating White People Czar

The White house introduced it's new Eating White People Czar to the public today. Blargnox 9 has been appointed to follow through on Obama's campaign promise to make more white people suffer excruciating deaths at the hands of an alien beast. Although conservative media outlets claimed this was another one of Obama's moves to put a stranglehold on the country by force, most polls indicated this was supported by the majority of American voters who don't care about their political process enough to read.

Now that Blargnox 9 has been appointed, he will immediately start a cross country public relations tour to explain the social benefits of eating white people. At the same time, he will also eat white people. Although the thought of an alien consuming humans is usually reserved for movies, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said "this is reality and we will benefit from cooperation with our alien brothers". Gibbs went on to list how this will benefit the job market, entertainment and health care.

When questioned about how he planned to function in his new post, Blargnox 9 ate Helen Thomas.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Healthcare, Nazis and doe eyed militant weirdoes.

I know I am a week or so behind on this, but I had some out of state engagements to attend to and I DID perform at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre. Other than that, I have been slacking.

Now that the census is being used to identify potential death panel judges from within the ranks of ACORN, I felt it time to dispel some ludicrous rumors flying around.

I can say definitively, after having read the proposed health care reforms, that there will be death panels. They will consist of minorities as the judges and only white people will be subject to their rulings. Contrary to the current rumors of "old folks being exploded in front of a crowd while floating", their executions will be far simpler than that. They will be lured to a "death center" or "Denny's" under the false premise of senior discount breakfasts. Once inside, they will be digested for hundreds of years in the belly of the beast from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. This is both environmentally friendly and extremely painful. The goal is to torture them at the same speed that they drive on the highway.

Also, all doctors will be shipped out of the country and replaced by SeƱor Wences imitators. As hand puppets, they will simultaneously be able to hold medical instruments AND stereotype Mexicans. Regardless of the level of medical care being administered, you will always be left laughing, even while wincing. You'll be Launcing.

Also, Hitler will be cloned, but mixed with the DNA of Corey Feldman, so he can easily be controlled by drugs. As a side effect, he will also be able to dance like the King of Pop. This Hitler will be more enjoyable, less prone to genocide and more modern in his fashion choices. Of course, he will still run the government from an underground bunker in the Florida Everglades. This Hitler will also be a liberal communist, unlike the actual Hitler who was pretty much the opposite.

Of course, if you are white, you might as well move. There is some SCARY STUFF in store for you. All music will now be rap. It will also ONLY be Biz Markie and/or that song about getting high and forgetting to go to work. Also, all white women will be required to date men of a different melanin level. This will also be true of all White men from Texas. All channels will now consist of only Russel Simmon's Def Comedy Jam and only episodes featuring Mo'Nique

Lastly, country music concerts will be performed in Spanish. Toby Keith will also be forced to fellate a black rhino in front of Lyndon LaRouche supporters.

Enjoy it while it lasts, whitey!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The truth about the Barak Obama scandal.

46 years ago, Nancy Pelosi and Bill Clinton flew down to Kenya and injected a tribeswoman with sperm from Lenin, Che Guevara, Fidel Castro and Ron Brown. Assured in the knowledge that they had the formula to create America's first black socialist President. From there, the Democrats installed 2 operatives at the local papers, in the birth announcements department. They were told to wait until they received the sign.

When the child was born, he was given the name Barak Obama. When spelled backwards, it is Amabo Karab. This sounds like Amoba Karaba, which is Aborigine for "illegitimate president".
He was whisked away from Kenya and taken to Cuba by Harry Reid. There, he was schooled in Communism, Socialism and cigar rolling. Once he was able to recite the works of Karl Marx and perform all of the lines of Sidney Poitier's character from "Guess who's coming to dinner", he was sent to Hawaii for 2 weeks. He then boarded Soros' plane for France. Here was taught about socializing medicine and how to piss off whitey.

From there, he was sent to Jakarta to study jihad. After a few successful bombings of local pet stores, he was frozen.

In 1996 he was unfrozen and given a senate job in Illinois. A background story was made up about his earlier activism in the community. No one noticed it as actually Levar Burton. Once in government, Rahm Emanuel and Satan created a subversive wing of the Republican party to run against Barak. This wing picked a candidate that was so horrible, that the election was virtually not winnable for the Republicans. Having inserted John McCain, they then set off to rig the election in the southern states.

Their plan was almost foiled with the introduction of Sarah Palin. A woman so irresistible to the right wing, that a wink guaranteed a vote. Her charisma and charm brought out people far and wider to her rallies. Satan and Rahm were perplexed, until they came up with a brilliant idea. They would have the left wing satanist media ask her questions.

Once she was eliminated, it was a small task to manipulate the voting machines. The votes were in. Their 45 year plan was finally in place. In all of this, they forgot to get a United States birth certificate. So, a few of us remain to fight this evil. We are brave and many. We will win, for we have God and serious amounts of strong willed stupidity on our side.

Soros will not win!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Linda Blair meets Absolutely Fabulous

So, I watched a gay exorcism on the web tonight. Pastor Patricia McKinney of the Manifested Glory Ministries Church and Jesus tag teamed that gay guy and pushed the gay outta his sinful body.

Now, 2 things I have always been fascinated with are religion and sexuality. One for having been exposed to it throughtout my entire life via gatherings, community reinforcement and the constant societal pressure to participate and the other because it's a religion.

Religion fascinates me as a non-believer. In my head, I cannot "come to God" as I cannot logic the existence of God out. I do not put faith in things as faith is ignorant of the odds. Things do not happen as the result of a master plan. If they did, I apparently was a "Friday at 4:45pm" plan. Like a Mike Brady architectural design, I was cookie cutter and surrounded by Astroturf.

That leads me to human sexuality. As a card carrying member of the heterosexual cabal, I have no issue with gays. I don't understand why anyone would have an issue with homosexuality. It's not exactly threatening to, umm, anyone. I have yet to see the bomb squad deployed to diffuse a gay couple mid coitus (please don't rail me with the dictionary definition). Nor have a seen terrorist training camps full of suicide fuckers. It's benign and natural. Hell, the couple next to me that has loud sex once a week, with the women screaming "Aye papi, dame lo que quiero" is just as dangerous(Although I do condone loud sexual encounters with foreign language spoken, I do not condone that language being German).

I've also never understood why heterosexuals struggle so much with things that do not intrude on their own sexuality. I can say with absolute certainty that I will never have a homosexual experience. I am not wired that way. Therefore, whatever is done in front of me, around me, behind closed doors, in my neighborhood or in a zoo, will not change me. I was always attracted to women and always will be.

So, to bring this full circle, the belief that there is a master plan for everyone is incompatible with the belief that homosexuality is a choice, or even a demon. If you believe in a plan, then sorry. gays were part of the plan. Even demons are part of the plan. If they weren't, it would be a shitty plan and would at least need a new project manager.

Blindly accepting your fate should extend to blindly accepting others fate's.

As one who does not accept fate, I believe its just how we are wired. Although I have not been successful in finding love, I would never begrudge another that accomplishment. I am a romantic and I believe in the connection. If you connect with same sex partners, then more power to you. I am happy for you. After all, barring a psychosis, we all long for a connection. Connections produce more than babies. Connections produce deep friendships, feelings of contentment and a warm euphoria that wilts your fears and excites your senses.

I love that feeling. I wouldn't deny that for another.

So, if you need to believe in a plan, it should be understood that the plan is all inclusive.

These aren't demons, but people who have the same basic wants that you do.